Suicidal
by NinjagoZ
Summary: Read if you have suicide problems, depression, or cut yourself. I don't know if it will help... But I tried. Zane is getting fed up of being treated badly, and finally attempts suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a serious story. If you need suicide help, I want you to know... SOMEBODY DOES CARE. I PROMISE THAT SOMEBODY WILL WANT YOU TO LIVE. If you're convinced that you're not wanted or not loved... There will be somebody looking to help you in the future. Somebody will care. The Suicide Prevention center, the suicide help line, GO TO SOMEBODY WHO WILL HELP YOU! **

**Dedicated to those who are bullied, depressed, suicidal, or cutting themselves. I want you to live.**

**Takes place before Tick Tock, but after Home. The quotes don't belong to me.**

Zane wrapped his arms around his chest, eyes glued to the wall in pain and sadness. Another day of pain was about to go by. Zane wasn't sure he could make it any longer than a few days. His fellow ninja couldn't understand how vulnerable he was- what they thought was just a joke or a tease was hurtful. It was hard for him to breathe at the moment as he glared at the cracks on the boards. He felt like things were out of control- his 'friends' didn't understand or accept him, he had his own personal gang of bullies, and he couldn't help but repeat this process daily.

Zane picks up a bottle of pills, Advil, and stared at it, whispering, "If I take you, my friend, will I die...?"

The bottle held the promise of an escape from all the pain in Zane's life. His eyes glassed over with the need to use them, because he just wanted out of this. There are a lot of terrible things in this world.

_You could never understand. Not you in your perfect little world._

Setting the pills down, he whispers, "I can't do this... Not yet... I-I have to try harder... Something that won't kill me..."

He looked regretful as he set them down. Zane hadn't bothered to comb his hair. What was the point of looking nice if you felt absolutely worthless anyways? He didn't see the point of reason.

_They tell me to stay strong, keep fighting; but they don't understand... I've already lost._

Zane reaches under his bed and pulls out a knife. Feeling a sick satisfaction as he grips the familiar handle, he knows that it will make him feel better. He begins to cry softly in their shared room on the bounty. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to cut to feel okay?!

"I'm worthless," He growls as he bleeds.

He couldn't help himself. He quietly smiled as he ran the knife across his wrists and arms, feeling stress flowing out with the blood. He was smiling because it felt good, but crying in simple self-hatred. Kai, Cole, and Jay walk in not too long after Zane finally stops dragging the blade across his arm and hides the blade. The blood pooled beside Zane's bed is left unnoticed to soak into the wood...

* * *

"Nerd!"

"Loser!"

"Stupid!"

"Worthless!"

Zane closed his eyes against the painful tears in his eyes. Their words were like bullets. Why couldn't they just kill him already? It would be kinder than this... He turned and ran home to find the bottle of pills and the alcohol he kept hidden beneath the bed.

_I lay in bed, for hours in the dark, at night, thinking about every possible thing I fucked up in my life._

Zane quietly goes to his room and pulls out the knife. He looks at it. He poises it at the bottom of his fingertip. Kai bursts into the room just in time to see Zane about to kill himself.

Kai quietly asks, "... Zane? Bro? Y-you..."

"... Sorry..." Zane manages as he slowly rips it up his arm.

Kai screams at him furiously, "DONT DO THAT!"

"I'm tired of this life... The bullying... The hatred... I can't take it anymore.. I don't even love myself..." Zane hisses.

Kai bluntly says, "I love you! I care! Please, don't!"

"NOBODY LOVES ME. I AM HATED. I AM STUPID. I DESERVE TO DIE..."

"I LOVE YOU! I DONT HATE YOU! YOURE THE BEST! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!"

Kai takes the blade away from him desperately- he really did want Zane to live! If Zane died, he would never forgive himself for not noticing his emotional distress. He needed Zane to understand, this was not his fault. There was nothing wrong with cutting yourself, it was just something that happened... You find our it helps make the pain go away, and you wanted to keep doing that. But one day... It just stops helping.

"Zane," Kai snarls,"Listen to me."

"..."

"I love you more than the stars in the sky, and the diamonds in the earth, and the fish in the sea. You're worth more to me than that."

Zane cried Into Kai's shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

**A little while ago, I actually was thinking of cutting myself because of a very... Strenuous string of events. However, I just looked at the mirror, and saw a buddy of mine... Caleb. He wasn't there. He was just my reason not to cut. Thanks, dude...**

**This shows why Zane is glad he didn't commit suicide. Why he is glad Kai stopped him.**

**once more, quotes do not belong to me, an you already knew the ninja belong to nobody 'cept Lego.**

Glancing at Kai gratefully, Zane smiled at his brothers. His suicidal actions and his depression was their little- okay, huge- secret. It was one Zane was keen on keeping under wraps It had been a long time since his suicide attempt, and he could tell things were getting better. Sure, the whole nindroid thing was extremely upsetting, and finding out the guy who you used to despise was the green ninja was disappointing, but each thing had led to a better outcome in return.

The others got along with a robotic Zane better than a just plain weird Zane. He had an excuse to be awkward; but now he also had a better time understanding jokes because he had a funny switch.

Sure, Lloyd had been a pain when they first met, but now, Zane wasn't sure he could call Lloyd evil anymore. As time went by, Lloyd had become a better person, and now got along with Zane very easily.

_Before you can see the light, you have to deal with the darkness._

God, Zane loved his brothers. He didn't understand why he didn't see it before now, because they were everything he had. He remembered the darkness, but it all seemed so ridiculous, so strange and foreign now. Yet, in his dreams, he could remember how it hurt, that it was filled with an inner darkness. He paid no more mind to his bullies, and eventually they stopped. He told his brothers when the bantering had gone too far for his liking, and they were more careful of watching out for him.

They were all chittering away like squirrels, discussing Lloyd's training. This was one of the many moments the white ninja was glad he was alive to see. Nya was kissing Jay gently on the cheek, Jay was blushing, Lloyd and Cole were arguing with each other, and Zane and Kai were smiling and watching, finding this scene extremely humorous.

These were the moments Zane was glad he didn't miss.

_Darkness can only be driven out with light, not more darkness._

Zane breathed in, asking, "How are you all feeling today?"

"Great! Except lazy over here won't train!" Cole complains, and Kai laughs.

The red ninja asks, "Lloyd, don't you want to show us we're lame?"

"Yeah, but it's so boring!" The youth complains, shaggy blonde hair falling in front of his green eyes.

Zane nearly died from inner conflict on the spot, then asks, straining his voice, "Lloyd... C-can I see your... Arms, just for... For a moment?"

Lloyd nods, looking like Zane was crazy. The white ninja draws the sleeves back, looking at Lloyd's wrists. They were pale and unmarked, and relief spread through Zane. He was just being a bit paranoid.

He did have the right, though. He knew what it was like to cut.

_Don't let your struggle become your identity._

Zane whispers, "Oh thank God... You didn't..."

"Zane, what are you talking about? Why did you want to see my wrists?" Lloyd asks, confused.

"Nothing important, child. Nothing that you will ever need to know about." Zane murmurs.

When the white ninja exits the room, Lloyd asks, "What did Zane mean?"

"I'm not sure, Lloyd. I'm curious too." Cole says.

Kai laughs, "I promise you, Zane was right when he said you never need to know. You won't want to once you find out."

_Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't see the pain someone feels._

Zane pulled back his sleeve and examined his own permanently scarred wrists. They had healed up, and he had still kept them hidden for fear of the others learning the past events. He wasn't proud to say he used to cut. It still reminded him of every incident he had gone through.

"... Zane, please promise me this. Promise you'll never cut again..." He remembered Kai's words.

He had said, "I swear I won't, Kai."

He had been true to his word. No cuts had been added since that day, and he didn't plan to break that vow. He had gotten rid of the knife, just for the sake of keeping the promise and keeping his new feeling of independence from that blade. It was strangely gratifying to not depend on watching his blood run. Not that it wasn't hard, of course...

Not a day had gone by where he didn't struggle to keep himself from cutting. However, it got easier every day. With a small smile, he had continued until it was an honest smile. It's not like he hadn't come close. It's not that he didn't have the urge to cut. It was knowing that he had looked at the worry on Kai's face, and seeing he cared about what happened to Zane.

_We wear "masks" because we don't want anybody to know we are still grieving._

"Stay innocent forever, my precious friend..." Zane whispers.

When he returned, he smiled at them the normal way, knowing that it was getting easier to breathe and smile. When you have something to live for, you can fight a lot more, and certainly a lot harder to stay alive and well. He didn't tell them about his suicide attempt before. Now he was ready.

"Kai?"

"Yeah, Zane? What's up?"

"Remember what happened a while back that we kept... a little bit of a hush hush type thing?"

"That?! Why are you even talking about-" Then Kai caught his drift, "... Lloyd, go play video games. It's okay."

Lloyd screamed happily and ran off into the game room. The door flew shut without any help.

Zane swallowed, "I-I'm ready."

"Are you sure, Zane? You've been so intent on keeping this under wraps..." Kai hesitates.

"Perfect. My thoughts are In line."

"Alright, but Lloyd is not to know. Is that clear?" Kai demands.

Zane coolly agrees, "Crystal."

The other three look absolutely confused. Zane felt his heart beat. What would these people say?! Who would not be able to accept this? His fear was quickly swallowed, in exchange for an action. He pulled back his sleeve, revealing the many scars like an array.

Zane whispers, "These..."

"Y-you used to cut?" Jay asks, wide eyed.

"Wait," Zane asks, "How come you can tell I don't anymore?"

"There aren't any new scars." Cole answers for him.

"Why aren't you all upset...?"

"Because we love you, scars and all..."


End file.
